I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
