Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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