4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
They took my balls.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
