your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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