I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm too high and old for this...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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