apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
