I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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