Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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