Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
