I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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