never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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