I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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