pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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