I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
They are going to name an STD after you.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
