So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
