god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So here I am, sexting at work.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
