Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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