Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups