in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED