If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
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Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
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You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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