the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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