so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
