Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
