Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize