Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
