Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
