I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
