More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
