I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
