She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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