My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
