She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
