there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
