I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
