Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
