my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
