I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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