I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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