I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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