Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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