I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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