An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
