I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
