apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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