New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize