And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
