also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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