I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
