i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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