can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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