No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
