Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
