Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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