Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
