So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
