Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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