Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
