I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
