Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
